|
|
Sunday, February 4th, 2007
| |
9:06 pm - sand
|
self discovery can be a beautiful thing. the problem is that i still think of someone else and oh my god, why can't i see it for what it is now and may remain.
i used to believe that if you dreamed and fought hard enough you could prove yourself to people. i'm come to realize that what tends to happen is that those people who you try to fight so hard for are more repulsed than attracted. i am vinegar to these flies.
now though i'm fighting for something else. i'm fighting for a rational relationship, an open line of communication, and a million other cliches that create the basis of a relationship built on a rock and not on sand. cliche again.
i see a little more clearly. cliches are common to the human race and quite frankly wouldn't be cliche if they weren't so common so i must want the same basic things everyone else wants.
he calls when he says he will. so did someone else.
he's nice to me. other people have been nice.
he's up for a discussion/battle without getting offended or feeling like his manhood is threatened. that's usually a toss-up.
i'm just concerned he may not have enough passion for me, not that he has a lack of passion for life or anything, just enough PASSION. the good kind that makes you feel like you're on fire. the kind that makes you wrap your bodies around one another until you burn and melt. the kind that makes you dig into his back so hard and deep with your nails that you think you might skin him alive. for all the good can i let go of that? can i be with someone who is good and honest and not try to pervert them? luckily, he doesn't seem easy to dissuade.
i never doubted for a second that you felt this. you were the sand and i was the ocean in fact. on your own your were hot and gritty, scalded by the sun. i am turbulent and wicked sometimes, calm and shifting at others, but where we met was cool, gentle, smooth, and forever moving. god i miss you. the last time i went to the beach i remember how hard it was to scrub the sand off my body and sometimes i'm still not sure i'm rid of every grain. yeah you are like sand in that way too.
so now i need to realize this great man i can have now and try to appreciate what he is because he is good. hopefully i can be good for him too.
current mood:  contemplative
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, February 2nd, 2007
| |
10:46 pm - whoa nettie
|
i haven't ever expected what i've received this week and i dont know what to do with it.
i met a man. he's nice. he's open. he's smart. but i'm so nervous and scared and i can't stop worrying. i can't stop eating. what the hell...all i know is i need to write because somehow this nervousness and fear must come out. what if he's not nice? why am i so concerned because he talks a lot. why does it feel like i'm still without the one who completes me and will anyone else ever be able to fulfill me like another person does? how do i come to terms with these emotions running through my head and heart and pounding in my blood. how do i make peace with my past. how can i make peace with my past with men so i can move on and appreciate a different man.
i'm so close to moving out i can taste it. ugh more fear, more apprehension and for what. where is the peace i should make with my life. my heart tells me i'm not being true to myself. so what would i need to do to feel at one with my life. move on. move forward. get rid of this wall that i'm hiding behind. my life won't be complete without it and how unimportant is all this? love life and freedom. become something more than some poor sap who succumbs to her surroundings and her society and her 56 hour work week. become more than some dumbass blond who is a mirror image of everything she used to hate. be alive.
current mood:  worried
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
| |
1:45 pm - sick again.
|
i swear i don't understand myself. i just don't do enough to maintain or gain self esteem. what may look like self preservation and self concern is actually just a lack of oomph to get up and go. that comes from a lack of self esteem. which comes from a lack of accomplishments. so i don't go to work because i'm sick (with a cold). which creates another accomplishment that i don't achieve. now, if i went to work, that tears down my self-esteem because all i do is get sexually harrassed. and the owner of the company is that father of the one doing the sexual harrassing and doesn't like me because i don't put up with it. meanwhile, i do personal shit for the brokers because the only thing that matters where i work is that the brokers are happy. then i got yelled at because i didn't tattle that they were having me do personal things. why? because another broker who i have to do personal things for "caught" me doing a personal thing for another broker for a party she wasn't invited to, plus i wasn't telling her which broker it was. my boss says to me that they don't pay me to do personal things. well duh. however, if i don't make the brokers happy then i'm also in trouble. where the hell does that leave me? okay, so i'm looking for another job. i won't say there aren't jobs out there. and let's get this straight-i hate my job but i appreciate it. i have benefits and i get paid. i have vacation time. it's not a job i'd just outright quit. so i have to find something comparable before i leave. and after all this, i'm pissed off at myself for not going in, for not taking my job seriously, for hating my job. i don't know, i guess i'm confused. i just wish i'd get another job offer from my resumes. i'm not sure how much longer i can deal with this.
current mood:  aggravated
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, April 16th, 2006
| |
4:18 pm - I'm bored.
|
Well, it's spring and all the couples are out. I'm irritated and jealous that I don't have a man to go to the park with, snuggle with, hell even argue with at this point. I am lonely.
I constantly think of James. I miss him so much and have no way to contact him. It's difficult to know that you shared so much with someone and in an instant they are taken away. It's his fault, and that's life. That's why I'm so pissed off. Not only do I miss him, I'm mad at him and myself for missing him. I keep seeing things that remind me of him.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, April 10th, 2006
| |
8:52 pm - life
|
i realize life isn't meant for peace but sometimes you wonder when it will give. i don't mind it all, and my life isn't terribly fucked, but damn the pain is overwhelming. sometimes my quest for perfection destroys me more than imperfection.
okay, peach schnapps is totally disgusting with pepsi. maybe i need a rice cake to cut down on the nasty sickeningly sweet alcohol i'm drinking just so i can sleep tonight.
i wonder what it is like to be totally at one. not in some hippie way, but in a truly peaceful, mind body spirit way. i'd like to attain that just to see how it feels.
current mood:  blank
current music: csi/spike tv
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, September 4th, 2005
| |
1:47 pm - Update
|
I can’t believe myself for believing any of your bullshit stories. I gave the most precious thing I had to you. I gave something that no one can ever have to a liar. I gave it to a fucking foolish half-ass. I can only withdraw again to my lonely black corner and cry. You have no idea what sort of pain and anger I feel right now. It’s the kind that makes it impossible for me to feel any empathy for you. I hope you do rot in your cell. You’ve earned nothing less. I hope you cry with your head in your hands, staring at the bars, wanting to scream but unable to. You’ve awakened such horrible feelings in me. I’m just so angry with you.
Legends of the Fall is on. I’m not normally a fan of movies set in a western theme, even if it isn’t a western, but this movie has depth.
I’m done with life for at least another hour. Then I think I’ll shower and figure out something.
current mood:  crushed
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, July 31st, 2005
| |
11:20 pm - the great fake-out
|
i keep reading everyone else's journal and never update my own.
i feel like i turned 40 overnight. when i say i'm 24 it sounds funny, like i should at least be saying i'm 35. i don't wish to be older, but it's like a few years have passed and i've slept through them all. i feel like i traveled ahead in time and missed all the things that help you to adjust. when i think about it all, it makes my head spin.
i'm not really sure what i'm feeling right now.
i went and watched my dad coach a girl at tennis. i remember when i was little he would take me to those same courts and teach me. he also used to take me to the softball field at the high school and throw the ball around with me. he's the one who got me into horseback riding. when i bring those memories up i think we both ache to return to that time. my mom was always very good at handling my life changes. as much as she hated my behavior as a teenager, she never ever wanted me to stay a baby. she always strove to make me independent, and learn to grow and learn. i wonder then why i'm so dependent, and cling to things i'm accustomed to.
i applied for a second job today. I also went to bath and body works and bought a birthday present for a woman at work. she has a hard time getting to sleep at night she says (she's a single mom, very stressed out) so i got her a lavender vanilla gift set. it has pillow mist, lotion, bubble bath, various things. she loves jewelry and all, but i knew other people would get her those things. i thought she'd like some pampering items. my mom's birthday is coming up (actually their birthdays are the same day) on august 11. she said she wants a burgundy wallet, but to buy a cheap one. absolutely not. i always tend to spend a ton of money on her. i'm going to get her a coach wallet. i dont care how much it costs.
i dont think too much else is going on right now. i think i'm a tortured soul breaking out.
current mood: contemplative
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
| |
9:18 pm - Pin-up maniac
|
i'm watching blow out. it makes me wish i would go to school for hair. i suppose i could if i really wanted it. it isn't some major thing (like going to school for psychology) and although i enjoy what i do now, i really want to explore all the aspects of art that i can.
i'm working on a website for work, just your run of the mill, basic site. my boss is really thrilled with how it's turning out, but more than that she's so happy with how i'm dealing with it all. there are two other people collaborating on it, but one is rarely there, and the other is pretty impatient, although super reliable. between the three of us i think my boss is excited that things will get done well. she keeps thanking me for being so focused and patient with her.
getting my nails done on saturday. therapy tomorrow. daisy goes to the vet tomorrow too. work. that's all. i'll write more later.
current mood: blah
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, July 10th, 2005
| |
10:54 am - you know, jessica simpson has really begun to get on my nerves
|
is begun a word?
anyhow, i always tried to make sure that i like or dislike celebrities based on what i thought of their work, not their personal lives because the media gives you what they want of their personal lives, and they aren't perfect. with jessica simpson i tried to just think of her as quirky, cute, and let her portray herself as the dumb blonde. the more popularity she's gained though, the more it seems to have created a monster and i just can't deal with watching anything about her. that could certainly be my own jealousy though, so i'll try not to think about it.
now, as far as what i find beautiful, i've been thinking about this before putting it down here. i think a lot of things are beautiful, and on other people i can find at least one thing beautiful, as opposed to finding ten things ugly. i think different looks are beautiful, from pam anderson to dita von teese. i like my beauty with variety. this creates a problem though because i find nothing about me pretty. i also have a difficult time putting anything together for myself because i can't decide on what i'd like on me. would i like super pale skin? yes. would i like super tan skin? yes. i'd like it all. perhaps everyone wants it all. so i have to go with what i'm given which is super pale skin. because i'm given pale skin i want tan skin. saint happening, like the capital one commercial says.
so then i think, okay pale skin, i like it. now, my nails. do i want them red to make the paleness really kick, or do i want them pale pink to look soft? i can't decide.
i've gained weight. okay, do i want to diet? yes. can i? no, because i'm in goddamn therapy to stop obsessing over this shit which at this point isn't working, but it's only been a little while.
so then i have to figure out what is really bothering me...i guess i think if i'm ugly i'll be alone forever. if i meet people they'll be thinking of how ugly i am so i'd rather not go anywhere. no man will want to date me because they won't be attracted to me because my look isn't right. those are the bare bones. i'm scared of being alone forever. it has nothing to do with looks.
it's a fear of becoming complacent. if i dont care what i look like, or what others think of me will i get fat and not wear makeup and be disgusting? that's not good either. i think i've got a long way to go.
current mood: thoughtful
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, July 4th, 2005
| |
8:57 pm - complete misery
|
alright, one of these days i'll find happiness, but i dont think it's today. possibly tomorrow. and it's not like today was bad, it wasn't. my mindset is all fucked up.
i appreciate what i've got. i'm content but i'm not. and the reason i'm writing like this is because this is how my mind is working, on overdrive and random. i feel like i need to flip a switch.
i can understand how people can have gender identity issues. i'm not comfortable with who i am, who i was born as, this body, this skin. if i could have a surgery to change it and be more comfortable i would. a lobotomy might be in order. i'm not sure any surgeon could cut deep enough, or even rearrange me enough to fix the unhappiness.
let's see, i think i want what most people want, more money, good looks, all that random crap that doesn't really matter when you die. if i realize that then why do i want it? and it's more than that. but i dont know what it is.
i need to work on inner health. somehow that seems as selfish as the fake nails and bottle blond of my hair. maybe i'm a little over-analytical. maybe i need to ask myself who i truly am. maybe i need to stop, breathe, and back up. alright, rant, ended.
current mood: indescribable
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
| |
9:47 am - the revival
|
I keep setting up journals and then not using them. It must have something to do with my habit of running from things I start like the plague.
Anyhow, back with a new batch and starting again, so I'll use this. It'll be grand.
current mood:  apathetic
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
| |
7:51 pm - running
|
i just got done running. my goal is to get to 6 miles in 60 minutes in 6 months. i can do it. after all, i've gone from walking at 3.5 for 20 minutes and almost dying to running at 6.0 for 10 minutes, and slowing down for 5 minutes to 5.0, back up to 6.0 for 5 minutes, then 4.0 to 5.0 after that for the next 25 minutes. 5.0 is a breeze. so i'll get there.
current mood:  relaxed
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, March 6th, 2005
| |
10:52 pm - addiction
|
well it's sunday and i'm jonesing to binge and purge. this happens every sunday but i'm trying to fight it. even though i'm not in treatment i'm trying to at least not throw up. i feel stressed out because the work week is coming up. i want to get rid of the stress and feel better and more confident about the days ahead but i feel like i need this. we have a ton of good binge food downstairs, stuff that comes up easy and that normally i don't allow myself to have. we have a lot of things that could comfort me. i'm wide awake and a good binge/purge always makes me sleepy. i feel like fat trash. i hate myself right now. i know i shouldn't do it but i feel like it's inevitable. i feel like i already ruined my day by eating ice cream and cookies. i feel like such a cow. i know i shouldn't binge and purge. i know i should be happy with myself.
what am i grateful for...
my daisy who is reminding me how absolutely necessary it is to pay all attention to her :)
my work for allowing me to pay my bills and buy shoes
my car for letting me get to work and also get away from it all sometimes
my mom for being there, even though she can be a pain
my dad for his love of music and dorky behavior
my grandmother who i wish was still alive. i think she'd be proud of me.
my friends for being patient with me and listening to my problems
emotions because although i feel pain, jealousy, and rage sometimes i've also felt joy, happiness, and love
the blue sky
rain
stars
music
diet rite
the smell of lavender and vanilla
these are all things i'm grateful for and need to stay alive to see. if i throw up i'll end up dying and losing all these things. this is why i have to stay strong. i need to lay down and try to sleep and let go.
current mood: contemplative
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, March 5th, 2005
| |
9:15 pm - a meme
|
LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: jeanette machelle
Birth date: 4/3/81
Birth place: Fletcher, N.C.
Current Location: Toledo
Hair Color: blonde
Righty or Lefty: righty
LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE
Your heritage: German and Swiss
Shoes you wore today: Knee-high black 3 inch heel boots
Your weakness: men, food, music and animals
Your fears: rejection, getting fat, someone thinking i'm ugly
Your perfect pizza: cheese, tomato, pineapple, and banana peppers
Goal you'd like to achieve: finishing school, finding a man to love, getting better self-esteem
THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW
Your most overused word/phrase: good lord, hey now, alright
Your thoughts first waking up: shit, i woke up
Your best physical feature: i'm completely ugly
Your bedtime: around 10
Your most missed memory: having friends
LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK
Pepsi or Coke: diet coke
McDonald's or Burger King: mcdonalds
Adidas or Nike: hmm, i have no idea
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: lipton i guess
Chocolate or vanilla: both
Cappuccino or coffee: both
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU/ARE YOU?
Smoke: no
Cuss: yes
Single: dammit all yes
Take a shower: oh definately
Have a crush(es): yes, yes, unfortunately yes
Think you've been in love: i have been
Want to get married: YES
Believe in yourself: not normally
Get motion sickness: sometimes
Think you're a health freak: sort of
Get along with your parents: sometimes
Like thunderstorms: as long as there are no tornadoes
LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: yes
Gone on a date: no dammit all
Gone to the mall: yes actually
been on stage: no
eaten an entire box of Oreos: ooh lord no
Eaten sushi: i've actually never had sushi and i'm upset about it
Been dumped: well no
Gone skating: no
Gone skinny dipping: absolutely not
Stolen anything: no
LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER
Played a game that required removal of clothing: no
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
Been caught "doing something": yes
Been called a tease: i dont think so
Gotten beaten up: nah, i'm too hard-core
LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER
Age you hope to be married: oh lord, i hope soon
Number of Children: i don't know
Describe your dream wedding: christmas wedding, white dress, red bridesmaid dressed, pointsettas and white roses as the flower, and a red velvet cake. honeymoon at a ski lodge or cabin in the woods.
How do you want to die: i don't know, but it will probably be suicide
What do you want to be when you grow up: a good wife
What country would you most like to visit: i am not sure
LAYER NINE: IN A GAL/GUY
Best eye color?: any
Best hair color?: dark
Short or long hair: short
Height: 5'10 to 6'2 ish
Best first date location: oooh, italian restaurant with candlelight
First kiss location: ! oh boy! ummmm, under a big tree, in a park, bathed in moonlight
LAYER TEN: IN THE NUMBERS
Number of people I could trust with my life: 1
Number of CD's I own: 80 some
Number of piercings: ears
Number of tattoos: none
Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper?: never i think
Number of scars on my body: lots
current mood: tired
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, February 28th, 2005
| |
7:56 pm - right right college
|
okay i have to finish school. and i will. i'm going to have to just push through everything and get done. i'm tired of being there. not only that, i feel like a total ass for not finishing a two year degree in two (or even three) years. i realize i was very sick for a lot of that time. i must finish now.
so as such, i got myself some fat free french vanilla coffee from speedway when i got gas and will do some studying tonight. i have four more weeks to pull my ass up from nothing to get a decent grade. i'll at least try like crazy to do it, and i should succeed. why aren't i better at these things? i guess i've never felt like school was important, so it never scared me. you'd think since i dropped out of high school and had to get my ged that i would be more college degree intent, and when i wasn't sick, i was very serious. i only got a's and b's at college. then, with two quarters left, i got sick and have consistently failed since. it's bizarre. it's like my spirit is gone for it. i need to just keep on pushing through, at least get c's and finish, just so i have something more than a ged. ged's are good to have and better than nothing, but i would like my degree.
people ask me if i'm going to party when i graduate. well, no. first off, i tend not to party even when the opportunity is there. second and most important, why party when it's taken me for-eh-ver to get it? meh, i'll just be glad i got it. so now i'm off to try to better myself, and all. got to finish what i start for a change.
current mood: contemplative
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
12:06 am - i'm pretty sure there's more to life than this
|
hmm okay so this entry might just end up being random thoughts but that's okay with me.
my right eye itches. i think i might have a cat hair in it and since i'm allergic to cats my eye is itchy.
i love coffee. tomorrow since i have the day off i should make it a special treat to go to speedway and get some coffee. i want to get up early and work out. i know it's supposed to snow but i really think it would be a good idea. i'll have to check when the snow is supposed to start.
i like having super long nails. sure they are fake but i don't care. my hair is getting longer too. sometimes i feel so happy that i've become a very feminine woman. it can be a pain and i get overly critical, but for the most part i enjoy it. definately one major aspect of my identity is that of a very feminine woman. i realize i can talk about some raunchy things, but i like that about me. i've always wanted to be the type of woman who is feminine and ladylike, but still able to enjoy a beer, watch sports, use tools, all while looking radiant. there is nothing wrong with knowing all sides of yourself.
i guess when i look at it that way, it isn't so bad that i've experienced myself at my worst. i've experienced myself suicidal, and in terrible pain, and vulnerable. i've experienced myself at orgasm, and with joy, and with a love for my kitten that is overwhelming. i've experienced large amounts of gratitude to others for there help. i've been heartbroken. it's part of the human experience. none of it is rare, none of it is something only "i" have been through, but that doesn't make it any less unique to me. i guess you could say that i'm trying to come to terms with life, and that this is a part of being in my twenties. perhaps this is why people say i shouldn't date 30 somethings. they already have settled into life. okay. i'm going to continue to settle. and learn. and work hard at acceptance for more things. and patience.
beyond that, i'm not very sleepy, so okay :). read stuff.
i could cry because of these realizations.
current mood: content
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, February 26th, 2005
| |
2:21 pm - god how do people make decisions?!
|
and how on earth do people decide what to do from one day to the next? I want to do things and then don't achieve them at all. i have no idea how people live. none
current mood: confused
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
| |
8:11 pm - Maybe if I write it in here it will help
|
You know, I adore you. The word I want to say is love but that's only because sometimes words that start with l's or r's feel good in my throat. Adore would be the proper term for it.
Everytime I see you I wonder a million things. I wish I could hold you. I wish I could be held by you. I'll bet your so warm and comfortable. I'll bet if I was in your arms I could forget the world just for a second and relax. I'll bet if you kissed me my head would spin and my eyes would look all sleepy and dreamy and I couldn't stop smiling. I'll bet I could make you happy because I would really try to. I'll bet you'd think I was crazy if you knew how I felt about you. And I really don't care about your age because I think you are such a nice match for me. I really want to touch you. I want to smell you and taste you. I want to talk to you for hours over coffee. I want to show you every part of me and not just in the physical sense, but I want to let my barriers crash down and open myself up to you. I want to be vulnerable with you. I want to wake up next to you, under some soft blankets after a long night of passion and roll over and hold you. I'd like you to wake me up kissing my neck. I want to be your little girl, to hold and cherish, and you could be my man to worship and adore and admire. I'll bet you'd get all cocky after you'd make me cum because OF COURSE you are just THAT good. You'd smile and be pleased with yourself as I lay there spent. You would be so easy to spoil. You are so handsome. The more I learn about you the harder it is to see you everyday and not be able to pursue you. I don't know if you would even want me. Maybe this way is better for you. Maybe you feel the same way I do and wonder if I'm soft and sweet. Maybe you want to be the one to tear down my walls and see what's inside. I adore you, I so totally and entirely adore you. I wish I could let you know.
current mood: thoughtful
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, February 20th, 2005
| |
6:37 pm - i want to throw up and carve the word pig in my flesh
|
Ugh, I’m completely annoyed. I just want someone to love, but I’m not loveable. In fact, I’m downright cranky right now. I wish I were so pretty this shit didn’t matter. I get tired of never being perfect. I mean, I know perfection is “unattainable”, but I shouldn’t smell, or get cranky, or feel mean, or be ugly and eat too much. It’s unbelievable how hard it is not to be those things. People talk about old souls and young souls. I must be a super young soul with no mind whose past lives were full of hurting and killing other people because I suck.
I feel a little dizzy right now.
My nails are long and fake. You know, most people try to look nice but not over the top. Maybe they feel ashamed. I like having nails that are super fake looking. I need to paint my toenails tonight.
I must get up early and go running tomorrow before work. It’s possible, other people do it all the time and I haven’t run all this week. It was a stupid mental week and then I started my ladies days, so I’ve had cramps. Tomorrow they should be a little more stabilized.
What should I wear tomorrow? I like getting a rise out of my cute boss by dressing like a schoolgirl, but that isn’t something I desire to do every day. I am there to work, not flirt, so tomorrow maybe I’ll wear pants or something. I don’t know yet. Tired
fuck
current mood: crappy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
12:18 am - god i'm tired of being ugly
|
i can't change it. it's not worth even trying to increase my self-esteem because i'm not worth it. when you are as ugly as i am, life should just end. why won't my ugly fat stupid retarded lame ass just die already? everything about me is dog ugly. dog's are cute though, so basically i'm just an ugly bitch fuck with no reason to live. i want to die. ugly fucking bitch, UGLY MOTHERFUCKING BITCH! YOU SHOULD GODDAMN DIE BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO LOOK AT YOUR UGLY MOTHERFUCKING ASS ANYHOW. KILL YOUR GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SELF YOU STUPID BITCH, WHY WON'T YOU JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU DIE
current mood: UGLY
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
katrinka_noir's journal